And A Good Title for This Entry Would Be....Mierda

Hello.

Mierda. That's what I feel like right now. I would Babelfish Mierda, so I can list it in a gazzillion different languages here, but I don't think they have the word shit in their translation database. It's really a shame don't you think?

The wee one, who is no longer wee and for whom I really should find a new nickname, summed it all up for me in a few simple words. His eyes welling with tears, he exploded, "2008 sucks!!!" before falling into a sobbing hunk into my arms. I couldn't agree with him more. But because I'm a quite responsible Mommy, who will do things like homework with her wee one no matter how crappily ill I'm feeling, or refuse to drive drunk with my wee one and his wee friends in the car with me because doing that just plain sucks, I had to come up with a list of reasons why 2008 doesn't suck. I struggled. Believe me. I still do.

I haven't had a dream since December. Which basically makes me not want to sleep. Shakespheare said it best. "To sleep, perchance to dream." Had I been dreaming on a regular basis, the other night as Peart and I were driving and he pointed out the amazing U shaped moon to me, I would have said something happily silly like, I would love to fill that U shaped moon with all my dreams until they overflowed and fell out all sparkley and pretty against the dark of the sky. But instead all I could say was, "Oh. Wow. Cool."

I've also been a continuous sick streak. Literally, I am falling apart before my eyes. If I were a supersticious person, I would swear someone who has the stink-eye out for me has put a hex on me. But nah. That person would have to find their way out of the bottle first. Peart says I need to detox my life. And actually, I was impressed by that suggestion. I mean it was the first time he's ever said anything to me that wasn't so techo-geeko. And he even moved both hands in opposing, huge circles over my head and wiggled his fingers...yes, kinda like jazz hands...to emphasize he was talking about my entire life. That is also the closest I'll ever get to see him dancing too, so yes, two impressions in one go isn't so bad.

Our Otis died. That was in January. Everyone at work was so astounded by how well I was holding up. And I'd say some mierda to them like, "Oh, but I've been preparing myself for this day for like...years. Cause ya know. I knew he was gonna die...someday..." But now, I find myself choking back sobs at the most unopportune moments. Like in the parking lot of the grocery store while I'm struggling with the hatch door on my car. The one that I haven't opened since the day we lay Otis in the back so we could take him to the vet. Or as I'm putting grocery bags on the exact spot where Otis took his last breath. I am haunted by that last breath. Oh and let's not forget the hundred times I enter a password at work, because all my passwords are a deviation of his name like... **Otis1245872opoplol or 123**s26o8t15i**s321 or otis321789hearts654123frenchfries. I've changed those already btw to some other deviation of the Otis password.

There is one less in my house and it feels so different. I can barely stand to be downstairs anymore because there should be the sound of nails clicking on the kitchen tile. There should be two dreamy eyes staring at you begging for food. There should be his snores and funny noises when he's having his puppy dreams. But instead, I'm left with cats who choose to contribute to this household by leaving cat vomit on my pillow and the occassional cat dookie outside of the litter box. Would it be a bad pet parent of me to say I really, really hate that?

So for a bit I found myself spending more time in Second Life. At least there my dog can never die and my cat will never vomit on my virtual pillow. But even so, my house there feels empty too. I'm unmotivated to build, and all my good intentions have turned out to be intentions with no real validity.

So anyways, maybe tomorrow I'll figure out how to go about detoxing my entire life. Maybe I'll do it with jazz hands just for effect.

Out with the mierda, in with the hope.

I think I just found my new mantra...

Not to mention that would also make a great politcal slogan right now...